After Hanif Abdurraqib

Re: formal complaint

To: manager

Dear sir,

On September 21, 2013, I bought

                                                a starving belly on sale

                from your branch in Connecticut     

                                                               following

         an advertisement

                               promising                a glitter life

   and a host of new dashing suitors.

                                                           I regret to inform you

          that I am still set up

                                  every weekend

                                               by my grandma’s friends

                                      for fishy dates I ditch

        and I regret to inform you

                             that my annual midlife crisis

               now occurs on each flip

   of the rugby sky.

                                    Since I purchased the lifetime

        guarantee of customer glory,

                     I request a full

                                                    refund and ample

        compensation for the shame

                                                   its malfunction

                  has brought upon me.

From,

a disillusioned consumer

Re: formal complaint

To: me

Dear valued customer,

We are deeply sorry to hear of your negative experience with our product. We must ask you whether you are ready to deal with the consequences of return. Are you willing to go back to a chicken and church life? Are you willing to lose the ribbon-cinched waist? What will you do when guilt knocks? Who will banish it from your doorstep? What if you’re cold and it’s not because you’re small? What if someone makes you small? What if someone loves you?

Re: formal complaint

To: manager

Dear sir,

I must respectfully ask:     Are you fucking kidding me?        

                      Since my purchase lonely has become a permanent

           dinner companion and let me tell you,             

                               he is not a picky eater.

Turns out forgiveness can’t be dropped         

                                         from the sky like bird shit and purpose is not

a wrapped package but a spike       

                              from the ground I would keep tripping on      

          if I just left the house. I paid extra

                                      for insurance against emotional bruises        

and as seen in the picture attached

                                      I am now a black     and broken patchwork                 of fine

          bristled hands.                                                          I include as well

                  the receipt on which the subtotal is clearly noted   

to be the sum         

                      of all gastronomic pleasure

        and any semblance of love or joy,                                           

all paid to the full.

Re: formal complaint

To: me

Dear valued customer,

We have passed your complaint on to slimmer gods and have inferred that there was malicious misuse of our product. We must point out that the manual instructed careful emptying of its contents into the toilet through the upper cavity using the indicated fingers anytime there was abuse such as an extra apple slice. Did you chant your mistakes a round number of times every night? Did you insist on standing up even when the scenery became a window? Did you sweeten your talk only with Splenda? We invite you to buy another one and treat it right.

Re: complaint letter

To: manager

Dear sir,

You mention the instruction manual

       and I would like to say I am still hunched

from doubling over.

      Here are the blank grocery lists.

      Here are the fasting apps.

      Here is my google history.

                                                 Did you know

             that though lemons are tart    

        its peels are soothing

for a gutted gut?

       I decline your offer of another missed

chance.

              I want crushed rose petals

                  and warm chocolate.

              I want soft borders and full Saturns.

                  I want rings around

              my mug rims and late night

                  philosophical conversations

              with the public service worker

                  across the street

              and random surprises

                  like a chicken in my backyard

              or a slit in the sky in middle

                of the moon and I want fur

              kisses and doorbells and I want

                  five hundred different flavours

                               of living.

Re: complaint letter

To: me

Dear valued customer,

We are forced to cede

all communication

due to violation

of our policies.

This is not a threat.

This is a fact.

Delete your contacts.

Delete your social network.

Wander the underbelly.

Never grow tender.

Please send immediate notice

of your compliance

or we will have to take

illegal action.

Re: formal complaint

To: manager

Attention sirs,

This is a last ditch effort

to receive compensation.

I respectfully request your cooperation.

I respectfully request a ban on this product.

I respectfully request another world

another culture, another religion.

I’d invite you to my banquet

but it doesn’t have kale.

Eat and be merry,

for tomorrow you may diet.